What I've learned since my divorce
First, that you can't love someone enough, pray hard enough, fast long enough, or cry hard enough to make them change. They have their free agency. The freedom to choose was something we fought for before we even came here to earth. When I mean fight I don't mean we just declared our preference to earth life, we went to war over it. Head to head toe to toe I'm sure. Tears were shed as we lost many of our brothers sisters whom some were quite possibly our friends. So having said that, God takes our freedom to choose seriously and so should we. Choosing to keep his commandments and covenants will always bring safety and peace.
I've learned what emotional abuse looks like, what an addict looks like and what it feels like to live with someone who gives into such a sin.
I found my voice and my will to fight for a more excellent way and to be appraised as a daughter of God was something I should expect and something I deserved. It's worth fighting for.
When we desire such an innovation for a righteous cause, God provides a way, an escape route if necessary, but a way. It's not going to come easy however- fighting for anything is exhausting and this wasn't any different. Using the analogy of fighting, you will get up and throw a few punches and get knocked down a couple times. Over and over this happens and you start to wonder if it's worth the battle.
This leads me to the oh so powerful tool of Satan- Doubt. I've learned that when we are in the midst of righteous changes, we will be tested with doubt. The most important things we fight for are met with the strongest temptations to distract, detour, and create doubt.
It's only through the temple that brings the clarity and eternal perspective back. It also gives your faith fortitude to prevail, and keep fighting.
I've learned that being busy keeps me from digging a deep pit and hurdling myself into it. Wanting to hide and just escape from all the pain, despair, agony, exhaustion and fear. However I know now that the only way to make a change is to move forward. Staying busy in righteous activities keeps you going in that forward direction.
I've learned that without prayer and my scripture study I'm lost and have no guidance on how to fight the battle or carry the cross. It gives hope where hope feels lost.
Believing in Christ, believing He lives, He hears you, He will help you, He will save you, Love you, Provide a way for you and abide with you is paramount. Keep believing. As Elder holland has said, "Don't you quit!"
I have realized the very palpable and very devastating effects that living with a husband addicted to pornography had on me. It distorts the mind of a woman when she is constantly being compared to what she knows her husband looks at lusts after. It does serious damage not only to her mind and emotions but to her spirit. Her very own testimony that she is a daughter of God fades. She will loose her self esteem, her self worth, and become desperate. Desperate for the real intimacy that is void from an addict.
I never thought the prophetic warnings from prophets over and over again about pornography would be ignored by my husband. It leads to greater sin and greater consequences and like a tornado, destroying everything in its path. Never will I be able to rid my mind from thoughts of my husband sleeping with another woman for two years while pretending to love me.
This leads me to a passionate convictions of having chastity remain within the marriage. Just because you are married does not mean one partner or the other can misuse or mistreat another's body. It' s still imperative to keep chaste thoughts towards our spouse. Sexual intimacy is a gift that should be treated with respect and sacredness. Allowing outside worldly influences enter the bedroom can and will destroy the intended nature of sexual intimacy.
I've come to recognize how blaming others for our misery gets us nowhere. It doesn't matter how justified we are in our argument to their ill behavior and terrorizing antics, we still have the power to choose our own life's path despite that truth.
Believing more in God and the strength he can give to rise above actually contributes to our moving forward through the pain and hurt.
I've always loved the principle taught in the Book of Mormon where Laman and Lemual tie up Nephi on the boat. The leahona stops working, a great storm threatens to overtake the boat and they actually move backwards three days worth of travel, all because they blamed Nephi and took matters into their own hands.
When we take matters into our own hands we loose progression. I work way too hard to progress, it's not worth loosing it to blame, bitterness, anger and hate.
I have learned that when we feel desperate and anxious about life, looking to someone else to fix it will most assuredly not! We are responsible for our life, the direction and quality of life we live. Detours in our life, weather from our own choices or that of others, can not distract us from the will and drive to make it what we want.
God honors that and will surely help us along that journey to create, build and design our life.
For that matter I learned that after a divorce, it's easy to look for someone else to replace what you have lost. I wanted back the expectation of a faithful husband, provider and protector. I wanted back the blessing of staying home to teach and raise the children, create a home and support my good husband. All that was taken away and I just wanted it back. The hard and dare I say horrific truth about that is, it's not replaceable. That life is over. Now, it's hoping God will bless me with a new life. One that can still be filled with righteous expectations, hopes and dreams. Looking to replace what we lost in a spouse isn't growth.
This one hurt- I learned that I react out of pure emotion and I react in haste! I recognize the benefit and blessing that can come from not reacting by emotion only. Taking time to stop, breath, and honestly- to pray and ask God how to answer a simple threatening text message from my ex husband can do wonders in the outcome. I'd like to share a specific example in this regard.
I was dealing with several threatening messages and my fear was escalating. I turned to the scriptures and l read in 3 Nephi ch 3 where Lachoneus receives an epistle from Giddianhi basically manipulating, twisting and threatening in a way that is identical to how my ex husband writes. Giddianhi twisted things to make it seem like Lachoneus is the evil one. I was curious as to how Lachoneus was going to handle this and I came across this verse: "and he could not be frightened by the demands and threatening a of a robber therefore he did not hearken to the epistle...but he did cause that his people should cry unto the Lord for strength against the time that the robbers should come down against them. My ex might not have been a robber but he was acting in evil and I was given and answer on how to cope with this. Beautiful!
Now, one of the most considerable lessons I've learned so far through my divorce is that healing takes time and no one, no one can rush it. It's a process for a reason. There are key principles that can be realized if we take time to heal properly.
Learning such principles in the lords time not only helps the heart to mend but we start to get back pieces of ourselves that were unrighteously broken.
I saw myself as a once beautiful puzzle that fell into thousands of tiny pieces. And as I looked down at the wreckage on the floor, it looks unobtainable and irreparable to put back together. Yet somehow I muster the strength to desire to put the pieces back. Then I ask for help from my Heavenly Father and as I discover that matching piece is thrilling, exciting, rewarding and most important, healing! Only through Christ and his atonement was it possible to pick up a piece and find its match.
Loosing trust in God after loosing trust in my husband might not be comparable but for some reason it was easy to do. Men in general lost my trust and I started to walk through life with considerably bigger eyes and a skeptical attitude. Finding trust in God again came line upon line, answered prayer after answered prayer. Looking for his hand in my life each day, seeing it and giving thanks for it. Gradually my trust in my Heavenly Father was strengthened. But more so it was becoming cemented to where I could say as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego said to King Nebuchadnezzar as they stood in the fiery furnace, refusing to worship any other God but God himself claiming that very God will save them......BUT IF NOT......I will still worship my God in heaven!
Oh how my testimony of the temple garment has been strengthened. It truly is a protection against the power of the adversary and his desire to destroy our virtue. We must wear the garment properly and always.
Elder Holland once said that the adversary will peruse us forever if he sees any weakness in our resolve. Oh how true this is. We must truly look at ourselves and seek Gods help in how we can become more righteous. Resolve to be righteous.
I learned how to buy a car all by myself! I experienced the joy of getting rid of one clunker and getting into a better clunker! I might not have air conditioning in the dessert heat of Arizona but my skin is looking better because I'm sweating profusely! Becoming independent wasn't a test per say, that has come easy to me early in life. The independence from codependency however is another hill to climb over. I realized how I became so codependent and slowly changing those patterns.
I have learned that my four amazing children have not lost anything through this divorce. You may concur as it's evident they no longer have a mother and father in the home, yes this is true and hard. However, I have seen the hand of the lord make this tragedy a blessing to each of these faithful, innocent children. Each child has spiritually enlarged their testimonies and gained faith and a relationship with their Heavenly Father. Oh so many blessing to them and every time I would see a loss, the Lord showed me the blessing. I felt it a loss that I could no longer be a stay at home mom as I had to provide for my children now. It was unbearably difficult to accept. However I have come to see the gift it's been to each of my children as they have had to work together more, learn to cook, clean, and work hard as they compensate for me not being there as much. One child in particular has gained strength in knowing that if she ever faces a time in her life where it's turned upside down, she now believes she can flip it back over because she has watched me do it. It gave her hope, and confidence in Heavenly Father and herself.
I know they have seen their mother pray, search the scriptures, fast and attend the temple through the hard trials and have witnessed first hand how it's given her strength to carry the cross she bares. Oh I could go on and on.
I know that gratitude makes for a positive attitude. Never fails. As I looked upward to heaven one day about to ask why my car had to breakdown once again, I instead found myself uttering words of gratitude for healthy children and my own personal health. Tears streaming down my face, I felt the hand of God reaching towards me with love and tenderness, I knew everything would be ok.
I have learned that forgiveness too, is a process. I have listened to every talk given by every church leader that I could find on forgiveness. I have searched the scriptures, fasted and prayed for the ability to forgive. When your abuser continues to abuse and you are continuously being mistreated it's hard to want to forgive. You're not forgiving an incident that happened but constantly being required to forgive every time you have to make contact. The atonement isn't a one time use but a continuous use and that's a beautiful gift. So be it if I have to continually forgive my offender, I am continuously tapping into the power of the atonement.
I also k now that forgiving is for me, not the offender. I forgive so I can feel peace in my life and continue to move forward.
I learned that it's ok to be angry over the choice my ex-husband made to demoralize and de-sanctify our eternal marriage. But feeding the anger on the overflow of consequences that that brings is not ok. This is where it seems near impossible to overcome. I can't say that I have mastered this precept either, but I'm trying and some days I think to myself, "I've done it! I've rid myself of the anger!!", no sooner does my ex husband open his mouth and I am suddenly feeling hypocritical and perhaps volatile :/
Anger, bitterness and ultimately hate are what feeds the adversary and his followers. We are partaking of a meal that he has prepared and it's not savory. It's empty, lonely, and destructive. Don't feed him.
To my dismay it was made apparent that I'm not good at sharing my children with another woman. Ok, I kind of already knew this about myself! How dare my ex husband not only ruin our marriage, change my life, take away my ideals of motherhood and homemaking but to top it all off has the audacity to quickly remarry and force me to share my children with another so called mother! I recognized my immaturity in this regard and was ok with it, for a little while at least.
Ultimately I had to conclude that the more people to love my children the better and as their REAL mother, and as mothers do, we sacrifice for their well being. It was beneficial to them to be loved by whomever was willing to love them thorough this challenging situation. So I must make a sacrifice and concede that my children will have a step mother whether I like it or not. It's not about me- it's about them.
Having said that, I also have learned to observe patterns of behavior in myself and others and recognize principled living. When someone is living outside of basic principles of life and the gospel its OK to have boundaries and be aware. I still was the mother of my children and had the obligation to protect them as I saw a fit. Once the second marriage of my ex ended, it was I who had to pick up the pieces and console my children to yet another loss in their lives. Teaching them to recognize principles of life and the gospel for themselves through these hard experiences will bless them in the future.
Quite possibly the lesson of most eternal significance is that my temple covenants and the blessing that come from honoring those covenants saved my life. I'm not being melodramatic about this either. The temple and all that we learn from attending regularly in worshiping, serving and receiving all that God has to offer us saves me.
I can't even count how many times the tender mercies of the Lord have been bestowed upon me in the temple. It's remarkable and I feel very blessed.
Patience is not my strong suit but it's become so. I guess you could say I'm being forced into patience! Really though, I have come to see the blessing and betterment of exercising patience and waiting upon the Lord. It's not easy, especially when things look very unfair, or bleak. I have yet to be let down by God and know that as long as I am worthy, I qualify for his help.
It's easy to get so caught up in retribution and the below par satisfaction in picking apart your ex husband. Especially when they make it so easy by their persecuting and negligent behavior. It's only providing negative and harmful emotions to my spirit. It's imperative to hand over all these feelings to Christ. I had to let him handle the justice and learn to not concern myself with things that are not my business.
Even with all I have learned and all I have to feel abundantly grateful for, I live a life that still feels like a nightmare in which any moment I will awake from. But I don't.
It's not easy to be a victim of abuse and try to look normal on the outside when on the inside you're feeling broken and boarderline insane. I get tired of being the "divorced lady" in church and pretending so as to be perceived I'm handling my nonstandard trial with ease and grace. Knowing that I'm being watched and judged and even feeling their condolences as I pass them in the hallway. Makes me scream on the inside.
No one will ever understand nor comprehend what I've been through and what I deal with every day because of the addict that still try's to control me from afar.
But I make a choice to not only just attend church but to involve myself, serve my ward family and allow them to serve me when needed.
I have witnessed first hand how a ward family can truly enhance the lives of myself and my children, assist in the healing process, and provide opportunities to step outside of myself and help others.
